Hello/Goodbye

I have some pretty vivid memories from certain instances in my childhood.  Like many people, my childhood was mostly happy and I wouldn't have traded it for another, even if I had a chance.  But there is one bad set of memories that stick out in my head.  I can visualize the front windows from all of the houses where I grew up.  The reason I remember these places over any other parts of the houses is because I had some really sad Saturday morning seared into my subconscious and those front windows were always the setting.  Until about halfway through high school (or even earlier perhaps), my biological father had visitation rights on alternating weekends.  Although we were never close, I looked forward to spending that time with him.  While I can't account for when I was really young, I do know that as I got older and was able to understand what was happening...my father routinely blew me off on these weekends.  Sometimes it was with a series of "I'll be late" phone calls, followed by "I can't make it this weekend" and sometimes it was completely without communication.  What I've noticed about myself, both during that time and since, is that no matter how times I've been disappointed, I always get excited about things like that...seeing and looking forward to spending time with the people in my life.  The only real negative consequence is that, while I am always excited, I don't usually believe good things will happen until they actually do.  I've learned over the last ten years that my friends do not let me down but I still had that aching feeling of impending disappointment until I knew their visit would actually happen.  Last Thursday, it actually happened.  The super friends all arrived.  I had never looked forward to anything more in my life.  I realize the magnitude of that statement and that it was, simply, four friends visiting me but it meant the world to me and I can appreciate it.

I am not going to recount the trip in this post because it's too much of an emotional release to throw in stories of ridiculous antics and pictures of the same but, believe me, they are coming but not now.  One thing I only thought about in passing was that this trip had to end.  For the most part, I kept it out of my head as long as I could.  A few days ago before leaving with the remaining group...Shuko, Dave and I walked Scott to the train station.  He was very near missing his train so we said a quick goodbye.  He emailed later about his subsequent journey and he mentioned getting choked up while saying our goodbyes.  I thought about it more and realized that I didn't.  It was likely a combination of rushing for his train and being the first to leave.  Although I was sad to see him go, I didn't react the way I thought I would.  Last night before boarding the shinkansen back to Himeji with Dave, Andy and Aubrey saw us off from the lobby of their hotel.  Tears formed and it became tough to swallow but I didn't let it all out and I came to understand what was transpiring.  Obviously I was upset seeing my friends leave but I was getting more upset with each goodbye because I was being left alone again.  This morning the wheels came off.  I dropped Dave off at my apartment and said goodbye before leaving for work.  Again, I teared up but not much more.  It wasn't until I got to work and went to the bathroom and again now did I think of everything as a whole and really break down.  Like a ton of bricks, it hit that I was alone.

"Alone" is a tough experience to define.  First, my family and friends are always going to be around and there for me.  They're a phone call or airplane ride away.  I have a great girlfriend, good friends and a bunch of happy kids that I see every week.  So, I am never physically 'alone' but I still feel a bit of loneliness and that life is carrying on in America without me and that makes me sad.  When I look at my friends and see them all making or potentially starting families and maturing with their lives, it gets so much more difficult to rationalize my time here.  Thankfully I understand that these things would be happening whether I am here or not and that it's part of being an adult.  I've made this choice for myself.  I'm happy with the decision I've made.  I still don't have any plans of coming home anytime soon and I am very happy with where my life is taking me.  But today is the first day I can say that I really wish I wasn't in Japan.